alL about adam.. (came across this online article in CLEO australia magazine)

FOR aLl da giRls...ouT there..

From Kelly: “I'm 18 and had been seeing this guy for about six weeks. Everything was going really well, I loved everything about him. The thing is, both of us were virgins when we met, and when we decided to have sex, we were both ready. For me it felt right, and I thought that it was the start of a long, prosperous relationship. Then after that weekend, he made excuses not to see me, didn’t reply to my messages, and I haven’t seen him since. Do you think I was just used for sex? Should I bite the bullet and call him, and risk losing him forever? I just don’t understand what went wrong. Why would he introduce me to his parents if all he wanted was sex? Maybe he met someone else?”

Adam: First of all Kelly, I feel really sorry for you … you’ve done nothing wrong other than get caught up in an all-too familiar male dilemma. I can’t say with 100 per cent certainty, but I’m pretty confident this is a classic case of this guy’s feelings for you being lust, not love. He was confused … what you both thought was relationship chemistry was actually sexual chemistry (on his side, anyway). I’m going to let you in on some secret men’s business here, very bluntly. Often guys, especially young guys, are a bag of raging hormones, and what they think is love (or like) is just lust. It’s not something we necessarily do consciously, or with any malice, and it’s really difficult to tell the two apart, especially when you’re young and inexperienced. But there is one foolproof test to tell lust apart from love/like, and that’s sex … to see if the guy wakes up in the morning with the “Ah, shit” feeling. It’s not “Ah shit, I had sex with Kelly”, it’s “Ah shit, I now realise it’s just a physical attraction. How/what do I tell Kelly?” I don’t know how we know, but we just know. Almost instantaneously. That’s when the “I’ll call you” gets trotted out by the panicked guy who is racking his brains trying to explain the unexplainable. He knows he’s led you on. He can’t figure out how to explain the sudden change in his feelings. I reckon 99 per cent of guys have experienced this feeling at least once. None of this is meant as an excuse, just an explanation.

From Kim: “My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year. He’s planning to move in with me next year and we have talked about marriage and having kids in a few years’ time (I'm 19, he's 20). I am his first serious girlfriend and his first-ever love, so I’m worried that over time he will regret finding his life partner so young and wonder what he missed out on. I know he loves me as much as I love him, but are my fears justified or am I just getting scared now that our relationship is about to enter a new phase?”Adam: I don’t want to sound negative, but you guys are very young and a lot could happen in the next few years so your fears are somewhat justified. First love is often blind and irrational because you don’t know any better (I only say that now I’m older), so I applaud your maturity in even considering the future possibilities. But you have to find all that out for yourself, so you should definitely progress with optimism and high hopes (otherwise what would be the point?). Keep your eyes open, and your heart and your mind too. One other point … don’t be so confident he’s the one who will regret committing so young. You, too, could have a change of heart. It’s not always the guy who strays or changes his mind.From Sarah: “I love my boyfriend and he loves me but I have a hard time believing I’m attractive to him. Do you believe love and attraction are two different things? I've tried to change myself to be what I think is the perfect girl (blond hair, thin, tanned) and he loved it, but it just didn't suit me so I changed back. He says he loves me no matter what, but now I'm afraid that after having the ‘perfect girl’, he won't find the old me attractive any more. What are your thoughts?”

Adam: Love and attraction are different things, as are attraction and beauty (which is what I think you are actually asking about). Sarah O’Hare is beautiful, by any definition. But you know what, I don’t find her in the least bit attractive. She could strip in front of me and I wouldn’t blink. I’m sure you feel the same way about some guy: maybe Brad Pitt who, by anyone’s measure, is a spunk. But maybe he doesn’t do it for you, yet someone like Jake Gyllenhaal (who is hardly a model) really pushes your buttons. Add that physical quality to the fact you could be the coolest, most fun and loving girl he’s ever met, and that package takes his breath away. Have a little faith in your bf for seeing the big picture. Maybe he’s deeper than you give him credit for … not all guys are shallow, you know.

From Sal: “What's the go with dating a friend’s ex? Why is it that girls tend to do it and I don't know any guys that do? Should guys come with a tagline of ‘This product is good for one use only; ramifications of multiple uses by multiple users could end in unrepairable damage’?”

Adam: By and large, I would consider women more moral than men. But this is one area where they seem to fall down. Guys don’t have many moral dilemmas, but dating a mate’s ex is one of them (mainly because he could get his face rearranged). It’s an unwritten code amongst males, and they rarely do it for fear of ostracism by their friends. But it seems girls aren’t quite as easily put off.